Telling It As It Was: Violence, Explicit Language, and Truth in Feminist Life Writing
Whether a book about teacher–student sexual relationships should be sexually explicit is a debated question in literature, ethics, and publishing. It is one I find myself struggling with more than I would like to admit, if I am being honest.
I firmly stand on the side of using explicit language because my experiences of my sexual relationship with my teacher were explicit. The diary I kept as a child, which documented my sexual relationship with my science teacher, was explicit. This was later weaponised against me in court.
For me, not using explicit language feels like a betrayal of what my lived experience actually was.
I am often told to balance artistic freedom, reader impact, and ethical considerations, particularly because such relationships involve a power imbalance and frequently minors. I have had many conversations about the use of graphic sexual descriptions, and the best advice I have received so far is this: at the moment, do not write with the audience in mind, or you risk censoring your own story.
Should I take a middle-ground approach?
Mmmm… no. That sounds like appeasement to me, although I do understand why it happens.
A middle-ground approach, which is common in modern fiction, often means depicting the relationship clearly while limiting explicit detail. Authors focus on the psychological dynamics, the power imbalance, and the consequences rather than graphic sexual description.
For me, however, it is not a matter of doing one or the other. Explicit language does not replace the dynamics of the relationship; rather, the two complement each other.
So I find myself asking the question: does the explicitness deepen the story and its themes, or is it mainly for shock or titillation?
When a book about a teacher–student sexual relationship is written as memoir rather than fiction, expectations about sexual explicitness change quite significantly. The purpose of the work, and the ethical responsibilities surrounding it, are different—or so I am told.
Common Arguments For and Against Explicit Depiction
These are some of the arguments that are often presented to me, both for and against including explicit sexual scenes in memoir.
Arguments for Including Sexually Explicit Scenes
Realism and honesty in storytelling
Supporters argue that explicit scenes can portray the reality of the relationship more honestly. If sexuality is central to the narrative, avoiding it may feel artificial or incomplete.
Truthfulness and authenticity
Memoirs are intended to document lived experience. Omitting sexual detail can mean leaving out significant parts of what actually happened, potentially distorting the reality of the experience.
Exposing manipulation and abuse
Detailed depiction can reveal how grooming, coercion, or manipulation operate in practice. This can help readers understand the dynamics of abuse rather than romanticising the relationship.
Emotional depth and psychological insight
Explicit scenes may allow readers to better understand the characters’ psychology, vulnerability, and conflicting motivations in ways that implied or “fade-to-black” scenes cannot always achieve.
Testimony and survivor narratives
In some memoirs, explicit description functions as testimony. Rather than sanitising the experience, it documents what the survivor actually endured.
Literary tradition and artistic freedom
Literature has long explored taboo relationships, sometimes explicitly. Works such as Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov are often cited as examples of controversial subjects being addressed through explicit narrative. Advocates argue that literature should remain free to explore uncomfortable topics without censorship.
Arguments Against Including Sexually Explicit Scenes
Risk of sexualising abuse
Teacher–student relationships frequently involve exploitation and power imbalance. Explicit scenes may unintentionally eroticise or normalise abuse, particularly when the student is underage.
Ethical and legal concerns
Graphic descriptions of sexual activity involving minors can raise ethical questions and, in some jurisdictions, potential legal concerns. This is an issue writers may need to consider carefully.
Reader discomfort and limited audience
Explicit content may alienate some readers, restrict distribution, or make the book unsuitable for educational or mainstream contexts.
Narrative alternatives
Some writers argue that implication or “fade-to-black” storytelling can convey the nature of the relationship and its consequences without explicit detail. In some cases, restraint may even make the narrative more powerful.
Privacy and retraumatisation
Detailed sexual descriptions may expose other people involved or reopen trauma for some readers. This raises difficult questions about the purpose of trigger warnings and how much responsibility a writer should assume while still speaking their truth.
Reader trust and tone
Some editors argue that excessive sexual detail can appear sensationalised, potentially undermining the credibility of a memoir. I do not entirely agree with this view; much depends on how explicit language is used and the context in which it appears.
Questions to Ask Yourself When Writing About a Teacher–Student Sexual Relationship in Memoir
Am I romantically framing the relationship without critical reflection?
Sometimes narratives present the relationship mainly as a forbidden love story, particularly from the perspective of the younger self.
Am I including excessive sexual detail?
Graphic descriptions of sexual encounters, particularly when the student was under 18, can create concerns for publishers.
Does the memoir include a clear adult perspective?
Memoir usually works best when the present-day narrator reflects on the past.
Could the real people involved be easily identified?
Another common concern in autobiographical writing is whether the teacher or other individuals can be clearly identified.
Is the sexual relationship the entire story?
Manuscripts are often rejected when the narrative revolves only around the relationship itself.
Does the memoir include strong adult reflection?
One of the most important elements is the voice of the present-day narrator.
Is the relationship placed within a larger life story?
Books that focus solely on the relationship can feel narrow..
Does the memoir have a clear thematic focus?
Editors often ask a simple but important question: What is the book really about?
Is the writing emotionally honest without relying on sensationalism?
Publishers generally respond well to memoirs that are candid, self-aware and emotionally nuanced. Balanced, reflective storytelling is usually more effective.
Does the memoir acknowledge emotional complexity?
Editors often appreciate narratives that recognise the complicated emotions involved in such relationships.
Are real people portrayed carefully and responsibly?
Because memoir involves real individuals, publishers expect writers to show awareness of potential ethical and legal issues.
Does the manuscript demonstrate strong literary craft?
Finally, regardless of subject matter, publishers still evaluate the book as a work of literature.
Suggested Readings
Consent — Vanessa Springora
Springora recounts being groomed at age 14 by a famous older writer in Paris.
Being Lolita — Alisson Wood
Wood describes a secret relationship she had with her high school English teacher as a teenager.
Educated — Tara Westover
This memoir is primarily about growing up in a strict survivalist family and pursuing education, but it includes relationships marked by power imbalance and emotional control.
